Suicide

That's a huge word. Really huge, especially for those it's a reality and real choice. Having been close myself to the reality of it, it's hard to describe how it feels or what it does to your psyche. You have to have been there, and almost done that to know, to understand, and have a view of what life is all about. Ok, that said, my point is?

I've come to the conclusion there are two suicides. The most common is about people wanting to end their life. We know the dance, the spiral downward in the well where darkness overwhelms the spirit, and the soul only sees one way from our existence. The peace of not being here. If you've never been there, you're so much the better for not knowing, but you're also less better for not knowing a reality that is so consuming of the whole person.

Anyway, my point here is about the other suicide, the attitude of life. We don't have to die to die. We can just waste our life away with a feeling of disappointment and thinking it's not worth the effort to be or do anything, unless pressured by our family, friends, living, and the rest of the world. So, what do you call it when you give up on life and just die?

I watched my brother live a life of pressure of being the oldest son. He lived to Dad's expectations, family, job, wealth, and so on, all the while being a alcoholic. At 43 he had angioplasty, at 45 his lungs pumped when they were half filled with fluid, and at 47 told he needed a heart-lung (both) transplant. And so he came home one day, sat down to his last cigarette, and had a fatal heart attack. It was the first time he came home from work during the day.

I watched a father's spirit wither away after the funeral ceremony for Greg. Three years later Dad had his 75th birthday. He reached his goals in life, celebrated his 50th Wedding anniversary, paid his 30 year mortage on the house, and reached 75. The next morning he didn't rise from bed, he just laid there. For two days he dreamt, talking to long dead people, his parents, his son, and others, and not recognizing anyone in the real world. He died quietly shortly later.

And that's always my question, those aren't suicides? They didn't deliberately go out of their way to die, they quit and let life walk away. There are two suicides. One of attitude to life. One of thought and action. The latter is known and the former isn't realized as one. Yet, it's just as much one as it resides in the same place in the soul, spirit, heart and mind. It's just isn't acting on except to let life slowly fade away.